Been a little absent in the last weeks. Not just on social media but also in my day to day life. Dealing with some uncertainty about our future plans, makes my mind feeling occupied and muzzy. Exhausted from all the overthinking. Unsolved issues make me more nervous these days then they used to. Craving definitely for more for safety and structure than just two years back. Weird how things change when you become a mom.
In times like this, I am craving for yoga (inner peace!!) even more. So normally I would sit more than just once a day on my mat, burn sage, light up candles and take out my angel tarot cards. But now, every time I wanted to step on my mat, there was something more important coming up (at least I thought so). Something else to do or to finish before my mind felt ready (allowed me) to relax. But by the end of whatever I was doing, either Maya woke up, the postman rang the door, somebody called or anything else happened (because it always does!). So by the end of the day I actually never made it to my mat! And since every time I don’t listen to my guts I get a little universal wink. And also yesterday. So while bouncing Maya to sleep, suddenly and totally out of the blue something in my right groin snapped. And from one moment to the other I could not move my right leg anymore. So there I was, carrying a sleeping baby while having this intense pain where i couldn’t even bare the weight of my right big toe touching the ground. The pain was so intense and sharp that I was afraid to drop my little baby. Not being able to move back or forth I felt kind of paralyzed but still somehow managed to hop over to the cot and put her in (luckily still asleep). I sat down on the bed and then reached for my yoga mat (one always beside my bed). I slowly and on all four settled down into childs pose (hardest thing ever) and immediately understood that this was the universal way of telling me forcefully to finally STOP and get the hell on to my mat! I hugged my knees into my chest while repeating the prayer I surrender and let go. Whatever is out of my hands, whatever I can’t control, I let go. I accept where I am right now and trust that the universe has already a plan layed out for me. Wherever that brings me, I surrender.
By then, I already forgot about time. I think I stayed there at least for about 20-30 minutes. As I tried to move again I could feel how my right side already softened a bit. It wasn’t completely gone but I could at least put some pressure on my leg. Long story short: sometimes all we need is to accept. To surrender. To let go of whatever we think is so important and make time for the REAL stuff. And sometimes this might be just one deep breath. A hug. Or a cup of tea. Listening to the inner voice which so often gets ignored by our mind. And to trust that every thing is going to be okay. At the end it ever will. This little story also proofs what I have experienced so many times in my therapy work, that our physical and emotional pain is NOT separated! Our body is ONE with all its layers.
